How do I describe my feelings? Am I depressed or just generally ‘down’?
I’m not entirely sure, but I’m not particularly sparkling company at the moment.
The Black Hole hovers somewhere behind my right shoulder and on a bad day, I get sucked into it.
There was once a time when I fell deeply into this depressive state and it took some three years to feel strength and courage and unguarded spontaneity again.
I don’t quite understand why I have fallen into the hole this time.
I injured my left knee, which has been causing problems all year. I injure one of my knees most years, so I should be used to this by now.
I remember saying ‘this is great. I’ve got through the summer without injury’ and of course, my knee went haywire soon after this.
The injury was especially traumatic this time – a sprain of the cruciate ligaments, which blocked the messages to the brain, leaving me literally legless.
One second I was walking and then next I was on the floor and it was as though my leg wasn’t there.
This shouldn’t have caused me any emotional stress, but somewhere deep within my brain, it sucked me into the black hole.
I kept thinking ‘I’m going to fall. I could fall now, I must be careful’ over and over again and somehow the mantra got into my conscious and unconscious thoughts, waking me through the night and making me gasp with fear.
I described it as being something like one of ‘The West Wing’ storylines, where Josh, one of the main characters, went through post-traumatic stress after being shot.
He gets treatment, but after the first session, he encounters another character, Leo – his boss, sitting in a chair in the lobby, he asks why Leo is there.
Leo explains through this story.
There’s a man who has fallen into a deep pit. He can’t get out and calls out to those passing to help. A priest offers prayer, another person offers no advice, but asks how the man fell into the hole. Finally a friend walks past and he jumps down into the hole.
‘Why did you do that? Now we’re both stuck in this hole!
‘Well,’ says his friend, ‘I’ve been there and I know the way out.’
Finding my way out of this hole, which resembles a well, rather than a sci-fi black hole, is going to be difficult.
I would like to find my way out and I’d like those who I love to reach in and help me out. I’ve rarely been so lost. This time, I have wanted to turn my face to the wall.
I’m stuck in this hole. I can see the daylight above.
I know that I don’t want to act on my low mood, but I can’t see the way out.
I discovered that I have an allergy to two sweeteners, Sorbitol and Malitol and if I eat sugar-free sweets, then I feel as though I have asthma after eating sweets with these sweeteners. I wonder if the depression is linked?
I decided to give myself a week and if I still felt depressed, then I’d go and talk to a doctor about it.
Time to do some research and work out how to explain myself to a GP.
I’m wondering if the act of writing this down may make things better? I do hope so.